Thankful

Life has been rough this past year. I had to do some deep soul searching and make some difficult decisions...decisions that would help me to be a better person...decisions that would be hard on my children but in the long run would make them better people...decisions that would take me out of my comfort zone and force me to change. In early July, I left my husband and moved in with my parents. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. But I don't regret my choice. I know I am doing what is best for me and my children, and that gives me peace and hope for a life beyond my wildest dreams. There have been days when I wanted to give up, where I felt I couldn't handle what was being thrown at me. One of those days was when my younger brother, Chris, was killed tragically and senselessly...two weeks after we moved in with my parents. My already chaotic world was rocked like you wouldn't believe. One of the only people in this world that I could always depend on was suddenly gone, and I thought I was going to fall apart. I asked myself how much more was God going to throw at me...how much more could I take before I would break. Well, the answer is I don't know yet. I have not reached the breaking point. I have become stronger and I am on my way to being that better person that I strive to be. Life is not easy. It's even harder when major events come along. But while life has been a struggle this year...in particular the past 5 months...I have had many blessings and have realized how strong I really am and how big a support system I have. They say you find out who your true friends are when something tragic happens. I now know that is true. But I haven't lost any friends due to my decisions and life events. I expected a couple people in my life to become too uncomfortable to want to continue to be in my life. To my surprise, just the opposite happened. I now have more friends than I could have ever imagined. Some just check on me periodically or when I run into them. Some check on me on a regular basis (I finally gave in to unlimited texting as a direct result of this!). Some friendships from the past have been rekindled. And a couple of friendships have deepened to a level I could have never dreamed possible...they are my rocks.

I am also truly grateful for my parents. Without them, life would be sooo much harder right now. They welcomed me into their home. They help me take care of my sons. They give me moral support as best they can. Chris's death has put them through the ringer, and they struggle on a daily basis. There have been times when we have not gotten along, and I won't lie, it has gotten ugly, but we always seem to work it out and continue to support each other through this difficult time. I am thankful for my older brother, Jeff, and my sister-in-law, Janelle. And their children, of course. We have always been fairly close, but they live in another state. Quite frankly, we just don't communicate as often as we would like and as often as we should. We now talk more than we have in years. It is unfortunate that our increased closeness is a result of unpleasant events, but sometimes that is what has to happen to open your eyes as to how short and precious life is.

I am thankful for an understanding boss and understanding coworkers. They have been wonderful to me and have tried their best to be there for me and support me. I know I would not have been treated so well at my last job.

I am thankful for my beautiful, precious children...all four of them. My teenage stepchildren still love me and want to participate in my life. My little men have kept me going some days with their smiling faces and silly things they do. I try to view life through their eyes...with love and trust. The days they push my buttons and make me want to pull my hair out make it hard, but at the end of the day they are my little angels.

I am grateful for those two weeks I had with my brother before he died. He came to our parents' house every day to spend time with my sons and me. He offered me support and love that I will never forget. He made many memories with my sons that I hope they never forget. Their Uncle Chris loved them deeply, and I know he is forever in their hearts. I miss him every day. Some days I can't help but cry. But I know he is in a better place and experiencing more love and joy than he could have ever imagined. Whenever I feel sad about his death, I remember that thought and can't help but smile.

Some people will find this surprising, but I am grateful for my in-laws. They have supported me and loved my sons and me despite my decision to end my marriage. They are good people, and I love them.

Last but not least, I am grateful for my relationship with God. He carried me on the days in which I felt I couldn't take anymore. He has helped me to do the next right thing and to love the people in my life as He wants me to...unconditionally and truly. A very good friend told me a few months ago that God is here always to hold, love, and protect me. I wrote that down on a sticky note and stuck it to one of my monitors in my office. I read that note many times every day. That one sentence has some days made the difference between holding my head up and continuing to trudge through life and giving up and falling into despair.

Life can be wonderful and life can be tragic. It is filled with ups and downs. But it is up to us to make the most of whatever situation occurs in our life...good or bad. It is up to us to trust God to guide us down the right path, and it is up to us to rely on our support system to help us down that path to living a good life...that life beyond our wildest dreams.

I am thankful for this life I have been given.