I haven't made time to write in a very long time. It's not that I haven't wanted to. I just never seem to have the time. Or I have a little time but not the drive. To be perfectly honest, life is very, very, very hard these last couple years. Don't get me wrong...it's never been easy. It just seems to be harder and the challenging times seem to last longer. I felt like a single parent for the majority of the last couple years of my marriage. However, if it got really bad and I just couldn't take it anymore, I could force my ex-husband to take over for a little while. He usually groaned about it, but he did it. I don't have that anymore. It's just me.Almost.All.The.Time!!! Frankly, being a single parent monumentally sucks sometimes. Right now, I am having a week in which I feel like it sucks. No way in hell do I want to go back to the way it was. I am usually happy and very grateful for my life. I also know deep down in my soul that I made the right decision to close that chapter in my life and start a new one. However, I don't want to be a single parent this week. I am overwhelmed and my anxiety level is through the roof. And guess what...my boys sense that Mommy is not 100% mentally & emotionally. I wish I had someone to help me with nightly homework (which that in and of itself is monumental, but needs it's very own post), help me cook healthy dinners my sons want to eat, help me keep our house in tip-top shape, help me get my sons ready and out the door in the morning (which would require several posts...lol), and help me play with them and make them laugh because, frankly, when I'm tired and stressed I don't have many creative juices to entertain them.
I have people in my life who help me with my sons (namely my parents), and they do spend some time with their father. I also have a wonderful man in my life who my babies adore. Right now, none of it seems to be enough. I am, quite frankly, tired and overwhelmed, and I gave in to those feelings earlier this week. I let them along with fear of the future take control. What was the result of this lovely combination, you ask? Well, I'll tell you...a full blown anxiety attack which had me on the verge of a meltdown. I felt the walls of life closing in. I felt hopelessness around the corner waiting to join the party. And I was struggling to feel any love including God's love. I didn't (and still don't periodically for brief moments) feel worthy of love. I felt like I gave and gave and gave but never get back. I felt like I couldn't trust anyone; that everyone I love and care deeply for was just using me and didn't really love me. I was having a pity party, and no one else was invited! Fortunately, with the help of my best friend (who is like my sister & loves me very much!), I was able to stop the attack and pull out of my downward spiral. My big girl panties are back on. I am still having little snippets of blah. I feel those demons hanging around waiting to pounce...waiting to feed on my negativity.
So what am I doing about it? First of all, I am staying as close to God's light as possible. As long as I am open to God, I can conquer anything. I am woman, hear me roar! (lmao) Secondly, I am making an effort to change. Yes, change. If I want my sons to listen to me on a more consistent basis, I have to change something about my parenting. I have tried several things, but nothing works consistently. So, I am trying something new. I came across a free parenting webinar on getting your children to listen. I figured it's free, only an hour, and I can watch it while I work, so what the hell! It was very informative, and I really liked the idea of not having to say one more time, "I am going to count to three, and you better do _________ before I get to 3!" Much to my dismay, it's not an overnight fix. My boys have not turned into the best listeners ever in a flash. (Damn, I had such high hopes they would...lol) But if I keep at it and stand my ground, this method just might do the trick!
Thirdly, I am trying to focus on what I have to be grateful for instead of what I don't have. And believe me, I do have much to be grateful for. When I focus on the things God has blessed me with, it is hard to focus on the things I don't have or the negative feelings about myself that I struggle with. If you don't believe me, then try focusing on both. You can't do it. The seesaw will sway one way or the other. It's all in the side you CHOOSE to focus on. When I choose positive, I feel positive and see positive in my life. When I choose negative, I feel shitty and only see negative.
Pain is the touchstone to spiritual progress. I know...you're saying to yourself "What the hell does that mean??" Well, I will tell you. It means our soul can't grow unless we feel some sort of pain. Being uncomfortable makes us want to do something to become comfortable. Feeling pain makes us want to do something to stop the pain...when that pain gets bad enough. Some people need to feel more pain than others to get off their asses and do something about it. Whatever the pain threshold, when we decide to change what needs to be changed inside ourselves, we inevitably grow. We walk through the fear and the pain, and we come out the other side stronger.
We are spiritual beings living a human experience. When I choose to live spiritually and lovingly, as God wants me to live, good things happen. Life may not go as I want. I may have unexpected hurdles to climb. But when I have faith in God and trust that he's got my back all the time, then I know that I will be ok and I am right where I am supposed to be. Life is good...we just have to choose to believe that.
No comments:
Post a Comment